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A Tale of Three Exes — Part 1

6 Jan


I was going to call this ghost of boyfriends past but that was taken by Michael McConaughey and besides I don’t count at least one of these guys as a boyfriend, just a confused dater.
Anyway, over the last year I ran into three exes, guys I never thought I would see again and learned a little something. I think it goes like this: “What was I thinking?” Or it could have been more like (imagine me with a lucky strike hanging out of my mouth and sipping on a dirty martini)
“They all come back.”

I used to date David, kind of a transitional guy who was a bit of a dude. You know, still trick-or treated, hi-fived waiters and said “this sauce rules” at really nice restaurants and once stared up the dress of my vintage Barbie Doll to see if she was wearing underwear. To his delight she was not. Hard to pressure this guy for a commitment with a straight face.

Then I ran into him three years ago at a cool Hollywood event in someone’s backyard in the Valley. He had this petite, quiet brunette with very flat hair with him and introduced her as his wife. As she went to get his drink he took the opportunity to tell me she was from Russia and then said “These Russian girls they don’t have that American girl mentality, they really know how to love a man.”

Is this what men really want? A mail order bride? Even dudes? Well there’s more, but I’m saving it for another time…

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Me and My Avatar

1 Dec

O.K. so I won’t sound jaded about men (although I have a really great dating story) I will talk about my “Biggestwannabe” webisodes. As you may recall (just scroll down) I have a number of dealings with professed “producers” who want to produce my webisodes over a bottle of wine at my apartment and then propose marriage.

However, this time I felt it was legit — a company I was paying to co-produce my tabloid spoof “Excess Hollywood.” Because they wouldn’t take my money without being legit right? Well after shooting the episodes and even editing them, this company sort of got lazy. For months I couldn’t get ahold of them, then one of their slacker tech guys calls me to tell me he is going to pitch the project to Microsoft. Well I was pretty excited about that and came in for a “meeting.” I love taking “meetings.” Snacks and latte’s are usually involved. Funny when I got there, this half-asleep Eric dude shows me nothing. “It’s for X-box.”
“How does my comedy work for X-box?”
“Well it doesn’t.”
“So you are not using my episodes that we edited but we are pitching something to X-box?”
“It’s a chance to get in bed with Microsoft.”
“So what is it, what about ‘Biggestwannabe’?”
“The pitch is hard to explain, you wouldn’t get it unless you understand X-box.”

By now I am reeling. “Can I at least be an avatar?” I beg.

Eventually we part ways and from what I hear the company has laid everyone off. I’m not taking responsibility but if you believe in Karma, that’s what happens when you screw up someone’s dream and laugh in their face. And don’t even offer them an avatar. I could be a really cute avatar.

Would you like some wine with that role?

3 Aug

So many things to talk about. Namely, I had that bottle of wine at my place with a guy I hardly knew. If you know me you know that Hollywood-types (mostly Valley types) have been using this ploy of wanting to discuss producing my webisodes, promoting my shows, getting behind healthcare reform, etc. any subject they can think about at my place over a bottle of wine. Now this causes me great alarm, because first it means I have to clean my place, second, my cat is very needy, and third, I want to work with people who can actually afford to buy me a glass of wine in a public place.
However I made an exception this week, because this guy was a performer/ improviser/filmmaker who wanted to cook for me. And it wasn’t business, it was just talking about the arts. Plus he was pretty cute. And he says he has a part for me in his movie, which is too high-concept to tell me about, but I don’t have to play a soccer mom, I get to be a dark, funny villain. Someone who gets me!
I did cringe when I said why don’t we meet for a drink and he started facebooking me about how much better cheap beer is. I mean is there no in-between, a middle-ground between a guy who is drunk with power and wants to plan our life together vacationing in Cabo like two retired tourists and a guy who is an artisté and wants to keep things soooo casual, yet passionate?

There’s more of course, but that will be on my upcoming CD…

The Casting Futon — Follow-up

26 Jul

Seriously I am considering writing a book called “The Casting Futon.” It’s one thing to sell out for a career like Sharon Stone’s but really, to be a game show contestant?

I got another unsolicited e-mail from a guy who advertised that he needed a “spiritual-minded” assistant for a non-profit. See what happened in my earlier blog post ” “Making the Craigslist Rounds.”

So wanted to update you as to what his most recent email said — it’s a little more direct.

“At this point, I am so stocked with clients and contestants, I only have room for one more and I am only interested in whoever wants to go out on a date on Saturday night or to the beach on Sunday (hopefully for many more to come). Or some other time in combination with work.

If and after I meet someone, then can I go back to placing some other contestants on reality and game shows and a lot of other projects.

Oh well, I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I’m going to hold out and date someone so I can be a — say stadium extra in a big feature film.

Have an amazing week!

Life is a Burlesque Show

19 Jul

The pic is of me and Dr. Don, the Music Man, burlesque performer.

It has been such a random week I didn’t know how to tie it all together. Then I thought, brilliant, when I’m not feeling completely out of place shopping in Brentwood among the soccer moms and divorced Disneyland dads I’m an artisté , living the life of a performer. So it all starts at a variety show audition. This was posted as something that was “live” and for pay-per-view and pay “to be determined.” So I thought, wow, I’m in, hey reach for the stars. See I will show up for any opportunity to show off my uniquely funny songs and humor.
However, the guy running the show, a stocky guy with a comb-over, looked like all he needed was a stogie and he could run the circus, just listened to a few moments of my stand-up and said, “nice honey, do you want to be an actress? Call me and I can help you.” O.K. so he was not crazy about my unique point of view, but he at least was nice and supportive. What I loved about the audition was the crazy world it took me into in the waiting area, a magician in a cowboy hat, a sword swallower, an Irish clogger, all with their stories of “how hard it is out there.” (Apparently there is a young cowboy comic taking over the market — better rope tricks).
Then I ran into him — Larry. Larry is a comic who is extremely hyper and high energy. He is slight in build, I can’t tell if he’s a little person, but he says things like “God made me this way so I thought I’d be funny and entertain people.” Larry says he wants to promote my next live show and he can bring hundreds of people because he’s a great promoter. So we exchange e-mails.
But that’s not enough for Larry, in order to get his support for my “Arm Candy” revue I have to have a meeting with him. Now you know from earlier blogs that meetings are bad news for me. #1 they are thinly-disguised dates and #2 they are usually somewhere depressing like the Valley. But this time I am smart, I insist the meeting be at a cool Pacific Rim restaurant in the Santa Monica Promenade.
For all that, though, I think he is a pretty cool guy, and hey, I got some free garlic chicken. I also eat Larry’s entree because he doesn’t eat much.

The next day I am at Peet’s Coffee on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica. Now most people go there because they swear the coffee is so much better than Starbuck’s, but I am not cool enough to hate Starbucks. I am there because it is an “industry” hangout.

So of course I meet a really hot … schoolteacher. He asks me what I do and I say “I’m a burlesque entertainer.” He looks visibly shaken. “I…hmm… the women in this town, the stories I could tell.” “No, I’m funny, I sing funny songs, like a torch singer.” “I’m sorry, I have a reputation, I work with children.” It’s like I told him I have a disease or something. I told you I don’t fit in with the Brentwood crowd.
So I’m thinking of calling Larry back. Life is a burlesque show, not an ambivalent conversation at Peet’s.
btw “Arm Candy” the movie is being sold to raise additional funds for the ASPCA, a portion of our July show covers also supported this great cause. www.createspace.com/259785

Making the Craigslist Rounds

10 Jul

Craigslist predators. No, I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about looking f0r a …yech…day job. When I tell people I don’t like working at jobs they tend to not like me.

So it came to my attention that I was buying chocolate with the remainder of a Barnes and Noble gift card for sustenance so maybe I should look to bring in more cash. This is where it gets weird. I go to “part-time” on Craigslist and answer an ad for an assistant to a non-profit. Of course I ignored the red flags that required the candidate be “female and spiritual” and be able to host some events. “That’s me,” I thought. “How perfect.” I composed an e-mail which of course had my myspace signature line and waited for a response. This guy Tony calls me and leaves a message about how interested he is and how he appreciates my beauty but he is concerned about compensation because this is a start-up. So I of course e-mailed him back that that I’m looking for, you know a job with pay.

Then it gets good. I get a phone call from Tony. “And by the way,” says Tony, “you call yourself spiritual but from what I can tell you go to Agape which isn’t even Christian. And while I’m at it I think it’s odd you call yourself spiritual but have a picture on your myspace that makes you look like a stripper.” So I hung up.

The next move on his part is classic. The crazy “you missed your chance” phase of low-level Hollywood. I just had to cut and paste his e-mail.

“PS. I also think we would have gotten a long well and seem to have the same backgrounds, except I have some experience and are much further along in my
part-time career regarding show biz and would have advised you to be a contestant
on any game show because $20K goes a long way to helping a career regardless
of all this show biz mumbo-jumbo you use and as one who does exactly what you do.

Too bad, really too bad, because I have a networking thing on Saturday, had a
paid gig for you 3 days ago…well, anyway, I do accept apologies and would be
interested to really remember where I know you from, although I have an idea.

So this Tony guy thinks he knows me — maybe he mistakenly thinks he met me at a strip club — (before he was Christian)

This is the web I enter when I try to get a day job. Better to re-think my strategy with the unemployment benefits and Barnes and Noble snacks.

Booty Text and L.A. Producer types continued

2 May

When we last left off I was trying to meet publicly with an L.A. producer-type to sign an agreement to fund my webisodes. He kept texting me to come over for a bottle of wine. I’m so glad we have new technology so I can be disrespected in a whole new way.

Then, speaking of technology, I Facebooked him, where is the agreement? I received the
following Facebook message:

“As I said in my email, I cannot spend a dime without some sort of understanding between us. I have been trying to get together with you to cement our relationship
I seem to be putting up the money, crew and talent what exactly are you contributing if not your time for pre-production? … to be completely honest if you cannot give me the time and some sort of physical commitment for the project then I will have no choice then to find another project to invest my time and money into.”

Is it just me or is there some slight play on words here with physical commitment and cement our relationship? It just sounds naughty.

So I let it go for a couple of days, asked a few friends what to do … but there’s more…

Booty text and L.A. producer types

24 Apr

It all started with joining a filmmakers’ community on Yahoo, where all big dreams begin.I submitted to a “producer” looking to fund films. He called and asked for a script and decided my adventures would be better off as webisodes. We’ll just call him “Dick.” So Dick called me and said my script really made him laugh. So we met, being high-level people, at a Coffee Bean in Tarzana. He was intelligent, tall, dark, kinda handsome and best of all he got my humor and didn’t want to make a lot of stupid changes to my script, give the lead to Seth Rogan or add a chimp.

Then a day later I got a text. “Marry me?” Very funny, I thought, he must really like my writing. So I ignored it. We had another brief meeting and I didn’t bring it up. Other than looking into my eyes and asking “What do you really want?” And I said, “green tea, I think.
Then the technology stalking began.

Dick “You didn’t answer my question…marry me?”
Dick “Why don’t we get together and work on the script over a bottle of wine?”
Me “Where would you like to meet?”
Dick “Your place.”
Me “That sounds like booty text.”
Dick “I don’t know what you’ve done to me. I think we can become a great Hollywood couple.”
Me “I’d be more in the mood to get to know a person once my project is shot and produced.”
Dick “Project is moving along. Now, you me and a bottle of wine.”
Me “Where is our written agreement?”

Is this booty text? Finally I e-mailed him asking if I could meet him publicly to sign a written agreement …but that’s another story for another booty text blog…

Funny Blonde

21 Apr

Hi welcome to Funny Blonde. Yes, blondes can be funny — can you process that? (play on words, my hair is currently overprocessed). I’m Marié Lake, comedic actress, burlesque singer, and filmmaker. Follow this blog as I face the indignities of being a woman in the world of comedy, showbiz in general, and life in Brentwood when you are not a soccer mom and not rich. I was married to an attorney, those were 4 very long months. Now I am trying to stop dating actor/musicians who are one step away from living in their vans.

I’m also a seeker, one of the many actress/seekers in West L.A. who flock from Learning Annex seminar to yoga to Whole Foods.

Check me out as co-star of the upcoming web series “From Bollywood to Hollywood” with Patra Gupta. But more on that later.