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A Tale of Three Exes — Part 1

6 Jan


I was going to call this ghost of boyfriends past but that was taken by Michael McConaughey and besides I don’t count at least one of these guys as a boyfriend, just a confused dater.
Anyway, over the last year I ran into three exes, guys I never thought I would see again and learned a little something. I think it goes like this: “What was I thinking?” Or it could have been more like (imagine me with a lucky strike hanging out of my mouth and sipping on a dirty martini)
“They all come back.”

I used to date David, kind of a transitional guy who was a bit of a dude. You know, still trick-or treated, hi-fived waiters and said “this sauce rules” at really nice restaurants and once stared up the dress of my vintage Barbie Doll to see if she was wearing underwear. To his delight she was not. Hard to pressure this guy for a commitment with a straight face.

Then I ran into him three years ago at a cool Hollywood event in someone’s backyard in the Valley. He had this petite, quiet brunette with very flat hair with him and introduced her as his wife. As she went to get his drink he took the opportunity to tell me she was from Russia and then said “These Russian girls they don’t have that American girl mentality, they really know how to love a man.”

Is this what men really want? A mail order bride? Even dudes? Well there’s more, but I’m saving it for another time…

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Millionaire Match — Part II

9 Nov

O.K. my dating profile pic(above)was changed to pouty because the smiley one kept leading to responses from men who wanted housewives to move with them to the O.C.

In an attempt to not act jaded, I continued on my web search to find love for the holidays. This is very urgent because I am being courted by my ex, and I am almost sentimental enough to go back. My ex is an entrepreneur/workaholic whose favorite expression is “It’s panic time. I’m done. This business is killing me!”

I added e-harmony to my list of attempts and found out something very telling. Apparently my target guy is Latin, 4 inches shorter than me (which I really don’t mind, I went out with a guy 5’3″ and I thought it was love until he revealed that when he said he lived with a house full of roommates he meant a sober living home) and lives in a beach town. So when I got the third Hector from El Segundo I had to actually take a peak at his profile. I don’t have the usual red flags that most women have, mine mostly have to do with:

1) a man who likes the outdoors and extreme sports (see earlier blog re: my skin)
2) a man who says something annoying like “my dream girl is just as comfortable wearing a designer dress and stilettoes in an elegant restaurant as she is in jeans and a t-shirt hanging at a pub or hiking.” That statement is not only a cliché but has way too much range. How about something I can achieve like “a girl as comfortable with Prada as she is with Steve Madden?”
3) a man who says he doesn’t like drama. Come on I’m an actress, I live for drama.

Ex-rated: Loyalty — it’s me or the waitress!

29 May

O.K. so last night my ex and I who are trying to be friends (I know it’s a bad idea, but we’ll discuss that later) are at the comedy club, Ice House Annex in Pasadena. We were seeing a show produced by two female booker/comics who “accidentally” forgot to offer me a spot to perform, even though I had booked and financed three shows featuring them. According to Autumn, “I guess I just lost your e-mail.” According to Marguerite, “I just didn’t know you did stand-up.”
Also I was operating on no carbs, so I came across a little angry.
Now my ex doesn’t like me to be angry or sad or disappointed, or human.
Then the waitress came and insisted that I decide on the two drink minimum on the spot. I wanted to have water and wait till I knew what I wanted for the second drink. But she insisted,”You have to order both drinks now.” “Do you have decaf for a coffee drink?,” I asked. Then, condescendingly as if she pitied me. “Nooooo we don’t have decaf.” So I said, “Then I want to wait and see.” “You have to order them now.” Now this was just a little room at the Ice House, not Vegas, so I thought she could be a little flexible. “O.K. water and could you give me a little time?” At this point the ex touched my wrist and started to shake. He doesn’t like it when I have a bad mood or show any signs of being human. So I said “I’m sorry to be snappy, I shouldn’t take things out on you.” She gave me her sweet, condescending smile and a little “ooooh,” but by then my ex was gone. I mean gone.
So I caught up with him in the bar, but a vein in his forehead was throbbing. “She didn’t do anything to you,” he said. Now I am tall and blonde, and she was little and brunette and I think I look somewhat powerful, but that is so unfair.

So I went back in without the ex and let him drink, explained my situation to the very understanding waitress who really wasn’t scared of me and she gave me another “oooh.”
Right then Marguerite and Autumn saw me and said “We didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

Then the waitress comped my drinks and we became friends.
I believe my ex is having his blood pressure checked and shopping for Barbies… I love my world.