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Arm Candy 2: The Circuit Guy

2 May

Hi welcome to Funny Blonde. Yes, blondes can be funny — can you process that? (play on words, my hair is currently overprocessed). I’m Marié Lake, comedic actress, burlesque singer, and filmmaker. Follow this blog as I face the indignities of being a woman in the world of comedy, showbiz in general, and life in Brentwood when you are not a soccer mom and not rich. I was married to an attorney, those were 4 very long months. Now I am trying to stop dating actor/musicians who are one step away from living in their vans.

As I was facing Saturday night with my cat and dark chocolate M&M’s I went back to millionairematch.com, within minutes of logging in I was invited to “chat” with a guy from Chicago who offered to take me to any travel destination I requested.
So as not to give in to the loneliness (after all I had chocolate) I found my second “Arm Candy” short, which is really the culmination of every annoying, control freak businessman who has ever taken me out. It gave me strength and I wanted to share it with you!

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Fan Updates

7 Mar

Yes this week I am flattering myself that I have fans! It is better I think than blogging about the incident last Friday where I went drinking with my day job friends and made, as my mother would say (0r slur, she’s Irish) “some bad decisions.”

So I want to update you that I have COMEDY STORE COMPS AND 2FERS for upcoming shows. So please check out my schedule at www.myspace.com/armcandyla and then email me at blondshellacts@hotmail.com

In a related story, we are shooting an entire season of biggestwannabe.com (see earlier blog, Me and My Avatar, about the team that I fired). Now we have a new production team, more money and it should be really fun. So if you love celebrity obsession and celebrity impersonators, stay tuned.

Finally, I am going to release another “Arm Candy” video right here, where we chronicle the highlights of my first dates with “successful” men. It’s enough to send me back to dating guys who move into their cars.

A Tale of Three Exes — Part 1

6 Jan


I was going to call this ghost of boyfriends past but that was taken by Michael McConaughey and besides I don’t count at least one of these guys as a boyfriend, just a confused dater.
Anyway, over the last year I ran into three exes, guys I never thought I would see again and learned a little something. I think it goes like this: “What was I thinking?” Or it could have been more like (imagine me with a lucky strike hanging out of my mouth and sipping on a dirty martini)
“They all come back.”

I used to date David, kind of a transitional guy who was a bit of a dude. You know, still trick-or treated, hi-fived waiters and said “this sauce rules” at really nice restaurants and once stared up the dress of my vintage Barbie Doll to see if she was wearing underwear. To his delight she was not. Hard to pressure this guy for a commitment with a straight face.

Then I ran into him three years ago at a cool Hollywood event in someone’s backyard in the Valley. He had this petite, quiet brunette with very flat hair with him and introduced her as his wife. As she went to get his drink he took the opportunity to tell me she was from Russia and then said “These Russian girls they don’t have that American girl mentality, they really know how to love a man.”

Is this what men really want? A mail order bride? Even dudes? Well there’s more, but I’m saving it for another time…

Arm Candy 1 — The Persian Rug Dealer

15 Aug

O.K. so I know it’s wrong, but once the spokesmodeling gigs weren’t happening and I got tired of dating musicians who are one step away from living in their cars, so I went to this Beverly Hills matchmaker (more on her later).

She told me this guy would be different. She also told me to stop wearing my hair big because only gay men like that.

What happened inspired the first of of my “Arm Candy” dating stories. You know, those nights when you feel like the accessory to someone’s dream. It’s always a mistake to seek security. Something my yoga instructor said I think — but he’s very chatty.

Life is a Burlesque Show

19 Jul

The pic is of me and Dr. Don, the Music Man, burlesque performer.

It has been such a random week I didn’t know how to tie it all together. Then I thought, brilliant, when I’m not feeling completely out of place shopping in Brentwood among the soccer moms and divorced Disneyland dads I’m an artisté , living the life of a performer. So it all starts at a variety show audition. This was posted as something that was “live” and for pay-per-view and pay “to be determined.” So I thought, wow, I’m in, hey reach for the stars. See I will show up for any opportunity to show off my uniquely funny songs and humor.
However, the guy running the show, a stocky guy with a comb-over, looked like all he needed was a stogie and he could run the circus, just listened to a few moments of my stand-up and said, “nice honey, do you want to be an actress? Call me and I can help you.” O.K. so he was not crazy about my unique point of view, but he at least was nice and supportive. What I loved about the audition was the crazy world it took me into in the waiting area, a magician in a cowboy hat, a sword swallower, an Irish clogger, all with their stories of “how hard it is out there.” (Apparently there is a young cowboy comic taking over the market — better rope tricks).
Then I ran into him — Larry. Larry is a comic who is extremely hyper and high energy. He is slight in build, I can’t tell if he’s a little person, but he says things like “God made me this way so I thought I’d be funny and entertain people.” Larry says he wants to promote my next live show and he can bring hundreds of people because he’s a great promoter. So we exchange e-mails.
But that’s not enough for Larry, in order to get his support for my “Arm Candy” revue I have to have a meeting with him. Now you know from earlier blogs that meetings are bad news for me. #1 they are thinly-disguised dates and #2 they are usually somewhere depressing like the Valley. But this time I am smart, I insist the meeting be at a cool Pacific Rim restaurant in the Santa Monica Promenade.
For all that, though, I think he is a pretty cool guy, and hey, I got some free garlic chicken. I also eat Larry’s entree because he doesn’t eat much.

The next day I am at Peet’s Coffee on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica. Now most people go there because they swear the coffee is so much better than Starbuck’s, but I am not cool enough to hate Starbucks. I am there because it is an “industry” hangout.

So of course I meet a really hot … schoolteacher. He asks me what I do and I say “I’m a burlesque entertainer.” He looks visibly shaken. “I…hmm… the women in this town, the stories I could tell.” “No, I’m funny, I sing funny songs, like a torch singer.” “I’m sorry, I have a reputation, I work with children.” It’s like I told him I have a disease or something. I told you I don’t fit in with the Brentwood crowd.
So I’m thinking of calling Larry back. Life is a burlesque show, not an ambivalent conversation at Peet’s.
btw “Arm Candy” the movie is being sold to raise additional funds for the ASPCA, a portion of our July show covers also supported this great cause. www.createspace.com/259785

Gay candy

27 Jun

It’s come to my attention that my last few posts sound very jaded. But I really like men and as all those coaches I hire say, I should spend some time in gratitude.

So I am going to tell you about my best friend who I lust for and I think he lusts for me, but I think he is gay and doesn’t know it (o.k. so maybe he’s not lusting for me). But we have this cool chemistry and he’s made some physical moves and then freaks out and disappears for weeks and goes to San Francisco to visit “friends.” Now I’m used to this kind of behavior, having been in the high school drama club in small town California.

So back to the gratitude thing. My best friend is half black, very cool, can quote sit-coms and even knows the name of every actor on “Moeshe.” He also is very good at math, a statistician by trade and loves the Lakers (that’s manly isn’t it?).

So next time I have a really bad date I am going to call my friend anyway, and maybe have El Pollo Loco and Merlot with him because love, even platonic love is a good thing to share. Especially when discussions of “Growing Pains” are involved.

Life Coaches and hot Frenchmen

8 Jun

O.K. so this is surprising. I am out with a hot French guy that I met through Facebook (I know you are supposed to connect with people on Facebook you already know, but come on) and he is smoking and brooding and looking arrogant and he tells me he is a life coach. He just came to this country a few months ago and he is life coaching. Well I don’t understand. First of all he is telling me this in broken English and secondly he is not very positive or cheery.

Of course I love the whole idea of life coaching and have had a number of ordeals with life coaches over the past months, even this week. See I get these e-mails about stardom and power and people offering free sessions. One woman even had a powerpoint presentation where she showed moons and stars (to shoot for) and lots of words like “your highest self” and “blessings.” So I called this woman, Julie Ann, and she gave me 30 minutes of her free time to help me discover that my life is nothing without her. She then gave me a numeric figure of how much money I was losing by not working with her and said what is it worth to you to work with me? Evidently it should be worth $5000. Well, I have other things to spend that money on, like skincare and my cat’s future, so I told her I would work with her once I had the money.

So I am thinking I need a life coach but maybe a free one, someone I like, like the parking lot attendant at my dermatologist’s parking garage, he calls me “beetiful womans.”

Maybe this date of mine will be my next coach. He can coach me on the fine art of French kissing.

Ex-rated: Loyalty — it’s me or the waitress!

29 May

O.K. so last night my ex and I who are trying to be friends (I know it’s a bad idea, but we’ll discuss that later) are at the comedy club, Ice House Annex in Pasadena. We were seeing a show produced by two female booker/comics who “accidentally” forgot to offer me a spot to perform, even though I had booked and financed three shows featuring them. According to Autumn, “I guess I just lost your e-mail.” According to Marguerite, “I just didn’t know you did stand-up.”
Also I was operating on no carbs, so I came across a little angry.
Now my ex doesn’t like me to be angry or sad or disappointed, or human.
Then the waitress came and insisted that I decide on the two drink minimum on the spot. I wanted to have water and wait till I knew what I wanted for the second drink. But she insisted,”You have to order both drinks now.” “Do you have decaf for a coffee drink?,” I asked. Then, condescendingly as if she pitied me. “Nooooo we don’t have decaf.” So I said, “Then I want to wait and see.” “You have to order them now.” Now this was just a little room at the Ice House, not Vegas, so I thought she could be a little flexible. “O.K. water and could you give me a little time?” At this point the ex touched my wrist and started to shake. He doesn’t like it when I have a bad mood or show any signs of being human. So I said “I’m sorry to be snappy, I shouldn’t take things out on you.” She gave me her sweet, condescending smile and a little “ooooh,” but by then my ex was gone. I mean gone.
So I caught up with him in the bar, but a vein in his forehead was throbbing. “She didn’t do anything to you,” he said. Now I am tall and blonde, and she was little and brunette and I think I look somewhat powerful, but that is so unfair.

So I went back in without the ex and let him drink, explained my situation to the very understanding waitress who really wasn’t scared of me and she gave me another “oooh.”
Right then Marguerite and Autumn saw me and said “We didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

Then the waitress comped my drinks and we became friends.
I believe my ex is having his blood pressure checked and shopping for Barbies… I love my world.

Arm Candy shirt promotion

2 May

Yes, shameless monetization of the Arm Candy movie and live show (more on that later).

Go to http://www.cafepress.com/armcandy for a really cute shirt!