Archive | July, 2009

The Casting Futon — Follow-up

26 Jul

Seriously I am considering writing a book called “The Casting Futon.” It’s one thing to sell out for a career like Sharon Stone’s but really, to be a game show contestant?

I got another unsolicited e-mail from a guy who advertised that he needed a “spiritual-minded” assistant for a non-profit. See what happened in my earlier blog post ” “Making the Craigslist Rounds.”

So wanted to update you as to what his most recent email said — it’s a little more direct.

“At this point, I am so stocked with clients and contestants, I only have room for one more and I am only interested in whoever wants to go out on a date on Saturday night or to the beach on Sunday (hopefully for many more to come). Or some other time in combination with work.

If and after I meet someone, then can I go back to placing some other contestants on reality and game shows and a lot of other projects.

Oh well, I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I’m going to hold out and date someone so I can be a — say stadium extra in a big feature film.

Have an amazing week!


Life is a Burlesque Show

19 Jul

The pic is of me and Dr. Don, the Music Man, burlesque performer.

It has been such a random week I didn’t know how to tie it all together. Then I thought, brilliant, when I’m not feeling completely out of place shopping in Brentwood among the soccer moms and divorced Disneyland dads I’m an artisté , living the life of a performer. So it all starts at a variety show audition. This was posted as something that was “live” and for pay-per-view and pay “to be determined.” So I thought, wow, I’m in, hey reach for the stars. See I will show up for any opportunity to show off my uniquely funny songs and humor.
However, the guy running the show, a stocky guy with a comb-over, looked like all he needed was a stogie and he could run the circus, just listened to a few moments of my stand-up and said, “nice honey, do you want to be an actress? Call me and I can help you.” O.K. so he was not crazy about my unique point of view, but he at least was nice and supportive. What I loved about the audition was the crazy world it took me into in the waiting area, a magician in a cowboy hat, a sword swallower, an Irish clogger, all with their stories of “how hard it is out there.” (Apparently there is a young cowboy comic taking over the market — better rope tricks).
Then I ran into him — Larry. Larry is a comic who is extremely hyper and high energy. He is slight in build, I can’t tell if he’s a little person, but he says things like “God made me this way so I thought I’d be funny and entertain people.” Larry says he wants to promote my next live show and he can bring hundreds of people because he’s a great promoter. So we exchange e-mails.
But that’s not enough for Larry, in order to get his support for my “Arm Candy” revue I have to have a meeting with him. Now you know from earlier blogs that meetings are bad news for me. #1 they are thinly-disguised dates and #2 they are usually somewhere depressing like the Valley. But this time I am smart, I insist the meeting be at a cool Pacific Rim restaurant in the Santa Monica Promenade.
For all that, though, I think he is a pretty cool guy, and hey, I got some free garlic chicken. I also eat Larry’s entree because he doesn’t eat much.

The next day I am at Peet’s Coffee on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica. Now most people go there because they swear the coffee is so much better than Starbuck’s, but I am not cool enough to hate Starbucks. I am there because it is an “industry” hangout.

So of course I meet a really hot … schoolteacher. He asks me what I do and I say “I’m a burlesque entertainer.” He looks visibly shaken. “I…hmm… the women in this town, the stories I could tell.” “No, I’m funny, I sing funny songs, like a torch singer.” “I’m sorry, I have a reputation, I work with children.” It’s like I told him I have a disease or something. I told you I don’t fit in with the Brentwood crowd.
So I’m thinking of calling Larry back. Life is a burlesque show, not an ambivalent conversation at Peet’s.
btw “Arm Candy” the movie is being sold to raise additional funds for the ASPCA, a portion of our July show covers also supported this great cause.

Making the Craigslist Rounds

10 Jul

Craigslist predators. No, I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about looking f0r a …yech…day job. When I tell people I don’t like working at jobs they tend to not like me.

So it came to my attention that I was buying chocolate with the remainder of a Barnes and Noble gift card for sustenance so maybe I should look to bring in more cash. This is where it gets weird. I go to “part-time” on Craigslist and answer an ad for an assistant to a non-profit. Of course I ignored the red flags that required the candidate be “female and spiritual” and be able to host some events. “That’s me,” I thought. “How perfect.” I composed an e-mail which of course had my myspace signature line and waited for a response. This guy Tony calls me and leaves a message about how interested he is and how he appreciates my beauty but he is concerned about compensation because this is a start-up. So I of course e-mailed him back that that I’m looking for, you know a job with pay.

Then it gets good. I get a phone call from Tony. “And by the way,” says Tony, “you call yourself spiritual but from what I can tell you go to Agape which isn’t even Christian. And while I’m at it I think it’s odd you call yourself spiritual but have a picture on your myspace that makes you look like a stripper.” So I hung up.

The next move on his part is classic. The crazy “you missed your chance” phase of low-level Hollywood. I just had to cut and paste his e-mail.

“PS. I also think we would have gotten a long well and seem to have the same backgrounds, except I have some experience and are much further along in my
part-time career regarding show biz and would have advised you to be a contestant
on any game show because $20K goes a long way to helping a career regardless
of all this show biz mumbo-jumbo you use and as one who does exactly what you do.

Too bad, really too bad, because I have a networking thing on Saturday, had a
paid gig for you 3 days ago…well, anyway, I do accept apologies and would be
interested to really remember where I know you from, although I have an idea.

So this Tony guy thinks he knows me — maybe he mistakenly thinks he met me at a strip club — (before he was Christian)

This is the web I enter when I try to get a day job. Better to re-think my strategy with the unemployment benefits and Barnes and Noble snacks.