Archive | June, 2009

Gay candy

27 Jun

It’s come to my attention that my last few posts sound very jaded. But I really like men and as all those coaches I hire say, I should spend some time in gratitude.

So I am going to tell you about my best friend who I lust for and I think he lusts for me, but I think he is gay and doesn’t know it (o.k. so maybe he’s not lusting for me). But we have this cool chemistry and he’s made some physical moves and then freaks out and disappears for weeks and goes to San Francisco to visit “friends.” Now I’m used to this kind of behavior, having been in the high school drama club in small town California.

So back to the gratitude thing. My best friend is half black, very cool, can quote sit-coms and even knows the name of every actor on “Moeshe.” He also is very good at math, a statistician by trade and loves the Lakers (that’s manly isn’t it?).

So next time I have a really bad date I am going to call my friend anyway, and maybe have El Pollo Loco and Merlot with him because love, even platonic love is a good thing to share. Especially when discussions of “Growing Pains” are involved.

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Manhunting at Agape and elsewhere…

22 Jun

O.K. I heard a rumor that some very hot celebrities were showing up at Agape, including Antonio Banderas, on a weekly basis. Now I love the fact that Agape is a very cool church in Culver City, California, with a very uplifting message, but hot Latin celebrities? That is a reason to go to a church service.

So I took a break from my internet social media sites, actually I ran into a slump, could not think of enough cool things to report on Twitter and Facebook and didn’t want to come across as boring. So I went to Agape. I got there post 11:00 service and there was this Disneyland-type environment with kettle corn booths and amazing African garments and a cool pastor with dreds who is friends with Oprah. But I didn’t seem to be attracting my soulmate or Antonio.

What I did attract was Al, this well-dressed much older African-American dude with a business card that said “management” and Al, and had no last name on it. “What kind of business are you in?” says Al. “I’m an entertainer, comedy, burlesque,” I am ever hopeful that I will be discovered, even by Al. Al, however, wanted to talk about his kids, his trip to the East Coast and Kansas City barbecue, everything but my career. So we had this great talk and I thought, o.k. maybe I won’t meet my soulmate or Antonio, but I found this great fuschia African garment, fit for a goddess.

I then went back to my favorite social media site, “Tagged,” I have no idea how I got on that site, but it is worse than myspace with slut perception. So I put my burly picture up and sure enough I have lots of male friends named Omar and Igor and Abdoulleh telling me I look kind and beautiful and can we chat or get married? So I felt very feminine and exalted.

Then I noticed a message from a nice guy who is from Sherman Oaks and is interested in “live comedy and music.” He asked “are you another one of those L.A. psycho actresses?” These are the conversations I have with nice guys.

So we didn’t meet for that really fun first date. Sometimes it’s better to skip the evaluation process and just have red velvet cake.

Life Coaches and hot Frenchmen

8 Jun

O.K. so this is surprising. I am out with a hot French guy that I met through Facebook (I know you are supposed to connect with people on Facebook you already know, but come on) and he is smoking and brooding and looking arrogant and he tells me he is a life coach. He just came to this country a few months ago and he is life coaching. Well I don’t understand. First of all he is telling me this in broken English and secondly he is not very positive or cheery.

Of course I love the whole idea of life coaching and have had a number of ordeals with life coaches over the past months, even this week. See I get these e-mails about stardom and power and people offering free sessions. One woman even had a powerpoint presentation where she showed moons and stars (to shoot for) and lots of words like “your highest self” and “blessings.” So I called this woman, Julie Ann, and she gave me 30 minutes of her free time to help me discover that my life is nothing without her. She then gave me a numeric figure of how much money I was losing by not working with her and said what is it worth to you to work with me? Evidently it should be worth $5000. Well, I have other things to spend that money on, like skincare and my cat’s future, so I told her I would work with her once I had the money.

So I am thinking I need a life coach but maybe a free one, someone I like, like the parking lot attendant at my dermatologist’s parking garage, he calls me “beetiful womans.”

Maybe this date of mine will be my next coach. He can coach me on the fine art of French kissing.