Archive | May, 2009

Ex-rated: Loyalty — it’s me or the waitress!

29 May

O.K. so last night my ex and I who are trying to be friends (I know it’s a bad idea, but we’ll discuss that later) are at the comedy club, Ice House Annex in Pasadena. We were seeing a show produced by two female booker/comics who “accidentally” forgot to offer me a spot to perform, even though I had booked and financed three shows featuring them. According to Autumn, “I guess I just lost your e-mail.” According to Marguerite, “I just didn’t know you did stand-up.”
Also I was operating on no carbs, so I came across a little angry.
Now my ex doesn’t like me to be angry or sad or disappointed, or human.
Then the waitress came and insisted that I decide on the two drink minimum on the spot. I wanted to have water and wait till I knew what I wanted for the second drink. But she insisted,”You have to order both drinks now.” “Do you have decaf for a coffee drink?,” I asked. Then, condescendingly as if she pitied me. “Nooooo we don’t have decaf.” So I said, “Then I want to wait and see.” “You have to order them now.” Now this was just a little room at the Ice House, not Vegas, so I thought she could be a little flexible. “O.K. water and could you give me a little time?” At this point the ex touched my wrist and started to shake. He doesn’t like it when I have a bad mood or show any signs of being human. So I said “I’m sorry to be snappy, I shouldn’t take things out on you.” She gave me her sweet, condescending smile and a little “ooooh,” but by then my ex was gone. I mean gone.
So I caught up with him in the bar, but a vein in his forehead was throbbing. “She didn’t do anything to you,” he said. Now I am tall and blonde, and she was little and brunette and I think I look somewhat powerful, but that is so unfair.

So I went back in without the ex and let him drink, explained my situation to the very understanding waitress who really wasn’t scared of me and she gave me another “oooh.”
Right then Marguerite and Autumn saw me and said “We didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

Then the waitress comped my drinks and we became friends.
I believe my ex is having his blood pressure checked and shopping for Barbies… I love my world.

Booty Text and L.A. Producers — Is this the final chapter?

8 May

Will I ever work in this town again? Not Hollywood, technically, I’m talking about the seedy section of the San Fernando Valley. That’s where it all started. To catch you up, I asked a producer for money for webisodes and he tried to turn it into a creepy dating situation. In the meantime I played a show at the El Cid with a cool bodybuilder named Queen Musclebee. (see pic on right)

O.K. so with the month beginning I received a new text from Dick, the webisode producer, (regarding signing a contract) “When are we going to meet to consummate our arrangement?”Now this was starting to sound like an arranged marriage and the guy might be wanting to trade me for the goat.

So I did one last e-mail, asking if we could meet to sign the agreement with my manager, Damian

Here’s how he responded:

“I have not heard from you pertaining to our webisode production. I figured we would have reached an agreement by now. Unfortunately it is a new month and we are not going to be able to schedule your project without the agreement.”

So my burlesque friends suggested I attend the consummation/meeting with my new bodybuilder/dancer friend Queen Musclebee. She is a sweetheart but could kick his ass.

Until next installment, I’m searching for gay and female producers…and staying away from the Valley, it’s kinda hot there right now…

“Arm Candy” the movie A portion of the proceeds go to the ASPCA.

Arm Candy shirt promotion

2 May

Yes, shameless monetization of the Arm Candy movie and live show (more on that later).

Go to for a really cute shirt!

Booty Text and L.A. Producer types continued

2 May

When we last left off I was trying to meet publicly with an L.A. producer-type to sign an agreement to fund my webisodes. He kept texting me to come over for a bottle of wine. I’m so glad we have new technology so I can be disrespected in a whole new way.

Then, speaking of technology, I Facebooked him, where is the agreement? I received the
following Facebook message:

“As I said in my email, I cannot spend a dime without some sort of understanding between us. I have been trying to get together with you to cement our relationship
I seem to be putting up the money, crew and talent what exactly are you contributing if not your time for pre-production? … to be completely honest if you cannot give me the time and some sort of physical commitment for the project then I will have no choice then to find another project to invest my time and money into.”

Is it just me or is there some slight play on words here with physical commitment and cement our relationship? It just sounds naughty.

So I let it go for a couple of days, asked a few friends what to do … but there’s more…